In a guilty embrace

Realizing your heart was left in the last tanda.

They are few and far between. Tandas that are so beautiful that they take your breath away. Send you into a dark and dizzying space of complete relaxation. The couples around you completely melt away. The way that time passes changes. With eyes shut, distance is no longer linear. You both move with clockwork precision. Yet this movement is effortless. It is timeless. The silence between songs requires no movement, no words. But when it ends you open your eyes and you’re dropped back into reality. The dream is over. You say thank you and go your separate ways. 

You sit, the music starts again. Then you make the mistake of accepting another dance. You realize that the leader is dancing with you but you’re not dancing with him. Yes, your feet are moving, but your mind is somewhere else. Lost in the feeling of peace from the last tanda. The guilt sets in. You feel like you’re committing tango infidelity somehow. 

With luck you may dance with the first leader again. With every song his movements become even more familiar. But you can’t figure out why it feels as easy as breathing. The music ends but this time you know better. Outside the air is crisp. It is quiet but you can hear the sound of tango music playing softly in the background. You wonder if the people passing by in their cars think you’re crazy. You’re sitting outside in freezing cold air wearing a dress. But this cold air is welcome on your warm skin. The biting clarity is welcome. It doesn’t take too long to cool down and it’s time to go back inside. You squint as the dim lights shine bright after staring into the cold darkness. You fix your posture, hunched forward from hugging yourself in the cold. You take a breath and the chatter around you brings you back to reality. Back to the dance.

You’re focused once again. We are all dancing the same dance in theory, but like fingerprints, there are no two dancers who are exactly the same. You are in your happy place and cannot help but feel joyful. It is a beautiful night. 

But it doesn’t end. Because now you know what peace feels like. It is this promise of peace, this happiness that you keep searching. That keeps bringing you back to the floor for another dance. Is it possible to find that peace by yourself?

*Re-downloads the Headspace meditation app*